I went to bed last night looking forward to getting up early and walking through Riley park down here to the Roasterie to sit and enjoy my morning coffee while doing some reading and writing. It's one of my favorite ways to start the day. And now that I'm here, sitting by the window surrounded by the smell of coffee, it feels great! This is my favorite time of day to be out and about. I am most productive at this time in the morning. The people that are out always seem to be just as productive and happy to be clocking in at the same time as the sun.
However, when I first opened my eyes this morning all I could think about was-I do not feel like getting up, i'll just lay here for a bit longer-And with that I hit snooze and rolled over. Now I have no clue how, but when you roll over in bed after waking up, no matter what position you end up in it is the most comfortable position you have ever been in. You could twist your back and throw your legs half off the bed and shove your face against the wall and somehow it feels magnificent! Then a few minutes later the snooze alarm goes off and you play the game all over again until finally you force yourself to get up and start your day.
Now if I knew I was getting up to do something that I didn't like I could understand why it would be so tough to get out of bed, but why is it that it's still tough to get up when you are doing something you love? This anomaly isn't just restricted to getting out of bed either. I find the same thing happens when I need to get ready to go to the gym or to a yoga class or any kind of activity that I really enjoy. Once I am there I always enjoy it and never have any regrets, but there are many times when it takes all the effort in the world to convince yourself to get ready and go. Why is that? Does this happen to anyone else? Why is being lazy so appealing to us as humans? I am sure everyone knows how good it feels when you accomplish something that you are excited to get done, so why is it so hard at times to actually put in the effort to get it done?
It seems as though being lazy is actually addictive I recently read an article by Jamie Frater (http://listverse.com/2009/10/15/top-10-modern-human-addictions/) that talks about the top 10 modern human addictions and being lazy is listed there, unfortunately he doesn't really go in to the "why", but it is a good article none-the-less.
For myself it seems to be tied partially at least to a lack of motivation, I could come here and write this blog and enjoy my time so that the three of you who read it can have something to do while you enjoy your own morning coffee. But what does that do for my life as a whole? How does it move me forward and make me grow? Where is it going to get me in the long run?
Now it may seem a bit over dramatic to take it to the level to which I am going to take this, but I am a big picture type of person and so that's where I am going to go and you can't get any bigger picture then asking the question; What is the purpose of life? Why do we do anything? If I can be just as happy and comfortable laying in bed hitting snooze then why do we do anything except sleep? Why ever get out of bed at all?
We all want success that's why. We want to feel successful and accomplished in life, and how do we do that? With a good paying job? A big house? Fancy vehicles? Lot's of stuff? What happens when you get all of that? When you accomplish all of the goals that you are "supposed" to have in life? How do you stay motivated at that point? What's the next dream? I feel as though most people would say family, love, relationships and that makes a lot of sense to me. But what if you don't know how to get those things? There is a road map that you can generally follow to achieve all of the first things I mentioned. Work hard, try hard, learn new skills, apply yourself, stay late at work, push push push, try try try. And if you put in enough effort you will eventually get there. It's quite simply really. But when it comes to love and relationships the recommended approach is the exact opposite. Just let it happen and it will happen, don't try so hard, It will happen when you stop caring so much about it...
This is why life is so complicated. In the words of John Lennon, All you need is Love. Well why is it that there is no way to work hard at finding love? Working hard at finding love is seen as clingy or needy and it pushes people away. The proof of this can be seen by doing a quick google seach on relationships. You will find countless pages of "Dating Rules" Don't text her for three days or you will appear clingy, sometimes don't respond to her texts so that it leaves her wondering, don't be too available. Imagine if we used these rules when applying for a new job? Don't respond to the company right away, let them wonder if you are interested. Don't be to available, if they ask you to start Monday maybe tell them your kinda busy Monday but maybe Wednesday would work?
Why do we play these games with each other in relationships but not in any other aspects of our lives? Why are we so afraid to just tell it like it is? How do you learn to be better at dating when everything else in your life seems to follow a completely different set of rules? How many times have we screwed up potential relationships because of not knowing what rule applies where? I think this actually speaks very well to the answer to the question "Why do nice guys finish last?"
Here are a few things you may not know about nice guys:
- Don't mistake respect for shyness or lack of confidenceNext time you go on a date with a guy and he doesn't try to make a move on you, don't assume that it is because he is not confident in himself or that he has no passion. Maybe it's because he is being respectful of you and he is waiting for you to give a clear sign of interest before he shows you his true feelings.
- If you aren't interested, tell us
It may seem like you are sparing our feelings by not being upfront with us, but let me tell you it hurts a lot less to rip the band-aid off then to spend time wondering. And when I say tell us, do it in english, not in code. You may think that you're being obvious when you say things like "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" or "I am just looking for friends right now" but to us that means, "She isn't sure if she wants to date me so I should work hard to show her why she should" or "Ok, I will be good friends with her and then hopefully she will fall in love with me". Be blunt, you will be surprised how good we are at taking the news. - We probably aren't as available as we appear
If we are interested in you, we will make time to hang out with you, that doesn't mean we have nothing going on in our lives. That doesn't mean that we are willing to drop everything in order to be with you, that doesn't mean that we are being clingy or needy or that we will drop everything just to spend time with you, what it means is that in order to get the chance to know you, we are willing to make our schedules work to find out if you are someone we would like to spend more time with.
So if I can offer any advice to single women out there it is to give nice guys a chance, you may be surprised at how confident we can be if you let us.
Jesse
This is brilliant Jesse! I loved and agreed with every word, I can relate to everything you said! Lack of motivation with no real cause for laziness other than the temporary sense of strange, calming relief it provides is something I constantly struggle with. You are not alone! This was a great post and this is a topic that is fascinating to explore. I look forward to discussing it more with you!
ReplyDeleteChelsea =)
PS: I also liked and appreciated the advice you gave to women regarding the "nice guy". I was aware of most of it, but it's reassuring to hear an actual nice guy say it! Haha.
Right. So, I have to address some issues in your three points, and in regard to the whole relationship shmaz you've got going on here.
ReplyDeleteBut the relationship stuff.... Dude. You're smarter than this.
Rule number one in trying to achieve a fulfilling relationship: Don't treat the other person like a puzzle you have to solve to get the prize at the end. Getting to be with a person, getting to know a person, is the prize. The journey you take with that person through time and intimacy is what you get from a relationship.
All these googled ruled for dating? These are all just arbitrary rules made up by some high school whatever, who might have happened to have some luck at one point or another, to give some illusion of power within the relationship/courtship dance.
Either you dig one another, or you don't. If you do, you kiss, you bang, you make happy little lives together and you carry on in a state that falls between bliss and just barely tolerance(depending on the day) for the rest of your time together. If you don't dig one another, you carry on, someone might get hurt. Fuck. Both parties might get hurt. That's what happens when you invest trust and feelings into another person.
Cont due to ridiculous comment length limit.
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DeleteYour suggestions for single girls.
First off... don't be patronizing. NO ONE responds well to someone who tells them how to act, while going through the exact same motions. Especially when there has been a history of self-professed ‘nice guys” who are secretly judgemental, self-involved, entitled dipshits. It’s kind of a hot topic in feminist/ women’s right groups. Perhaps spend some time googling that side of the argument to understand where the communication break down.
Not all women assume you are shy or lack confidence. Respect is generally conveyed through a different set of interactions that shyness or lack of confidence. If you are sitting quietly in a corner, not engaging in conversation at all, I would assume shyness. If you stutter, or stumble over a response and seem taken aback by being approached, I would assume shyness. Certain body language conveys a lack of confidence. The way a person holds themselves. How long they take to reply to a question included their facial expressions as they try to pull an answer together.
Even in the dating scenario you set up, a shy guy will give SOME sort of indication that he had a good time and he’s enjoying the interaction. Source: I fucking dated a shy guy. Ask Adam. He was awkward as fuck, but he didn’t fuck around with the head games either.
Respectful is one thing. Head games and an unwillingness to open up, even just a little bit, tells the woman that this dude is not into me. And not being able to open up that little bit, does indicate a lack of self-confidence. There must be something negative going on in someone’s head if they’re not even willing to admit when they’re having a good time because they need validation from their evening partner first. Own your feelings. Don’t be afraid to be honest with them.
Point two. When someone tells you something like “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” or “I just want to be friends” you HAVE been told they are not interested in you. SURPRISE! It’s so fucking simple right? Right. It’s because you’ll have instituted a no head games rule at this point. With the No Head Games Rule, you are allowed to assume they have zero romantic interest in you when they say so. If they are playing head games, get away. Don’t stick your dick in crazy, or people that are stuck in a grade ten mentality.
Point Three, and perhaps I should have led with this, DON’T PLAY HEAD GAMES. You don’t want the girl to beat around the bush in regards to if they like you or not? How about some quid pro quo? If you are not interested in her, tell her.
Be clear. “You’re awesome, but your awesome and my awesome don’t really work together. I wish you the best of luck in searching for someone with the right kind of awesome for you. Maybe we can catch a movie sometime as friends.” But if you play the “I’m totally interested” card until you’re so full of not interested that you implode on the person, well, that’s your fault for not being clear in the first place.
Just because a person doesn’t work for you, doesn’t mean that they won’t work for someone else.
So… for the too long, didn’t read portion.
1. Quit playing head games. Need more clarification, please read above. Or shoot me a text. I’ll totally talk this over with you over coffee.
2. Be clear, kind and respectful when dealing with anyone. More details above.
3. Own your feelings. They are yours and no one else’s.
I don’t want to put you on blast, but there are inconsistencies in your expectations of the woman versus your own responsibilities. I truly wish you the best in finding what you are looking for but it’s not going to happen if you keep a them vs me mentality.
It's Becca, by the way. effing google...
Hey Becca,
DeleteFirst just want to say thanks for the comments :) It’s great to have interactivity on the blog, especially in this great of detail. I am going to try and address as much of your comments as I can, but I am pretty sure we will need a coffee soon to really get deep in to it :P
I want to first respond to your comment about being patronizing, this was not meant to be patronizing in any way, and I actually find it hard to see how you see it that way? But I would love to hear your thoughts on that because I do not want it to come across that way. This post was meant to be a little bit tongue in cheek and light-hearted, even though it may not have come across that way because of the mindset I was in when writing it, so that is something I will have to be aware of. However at the same time, I am attempting to write my blog from my thoughts without filters in order to make it more real and so that will probably come out at times, but I never intend to be patronizing or offensive in any way.
I also want to point out that the information that I am providing is from my own point of view. It is based on experiences that I have had throughout my life, and does not even mean I am experiencing them now, they are meant to be general statements based on observations I have made and I can only provide my perceived view of situations and I would LOVE to hear other sides of the story especially from girls who may have been on the other side of these types of stories. I can only talk about what I see and understand and so please feel free to correct me or fill me in on what I am missing or wrong about.
I entirely agree that there are “Nice Guys” out there that claim to be nice guys but are far from it. I do not dispute that in any way, however there are “Nice Guys” out there that actually are “Nice Guys” and all I want to do is provide some information from my own perspective about things that I have observed that I feel may sometimes be misunderstood by the opposite sex, and if you have any insight from the female perspective I would love to hear it because as I said I can only speak to what I have experienced. For example, you spoke a lot about not treating relationships like they are a puzzle, or something to solve. This was a big part of why I started writing this article was to point out that some people just think that way, some people look for answers in everything and want as much information in order to make decisions as possible and the point I was trying to make was exactly what you pointed out, that relationships don’t work that way. I agree with that, however when you are the type of person that thinks that way it is VERY difficult to not try and understand the inner workings, or try to solve it like a puzzle. Does that make me a bad person? No, does it make it challenging when it comes to relationships? You bet! And that was really all I was trying to say with that. All I am suggesting is that thinking that way can make you appear to be over-eager, make you appear to be trying too hard, when really it may just be a product of the way our brains work and although there definitely ARE people who are over-eager, maybe being more open about your intentions would help alleviate some of the misunderstandings. (And this goes for both sides).
You stated “Not all women assume you are shy or lack confidence.” I never said all women assume this, in fact I never (as far as I can remember) said anything about ALL women. I had originally wrote this using terms like “I feel as though sometimes…” in order to show that this was something that I have experienced, but I decided to take the point form approach in an attempt to make it read a little more interesting and have a bit more punch. Perhaps I will have to re-think this approach next time because It was not my intent to make it sounds like “You should do this” I worded it that way simply to change up the format and make it sound less novelly.
Continued...
DeleteIn point two of your comment you state the following: “When someone tells you something like “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” or “I just want to be friends” you HAVE been told they are not interested in you.” Now, I would agree that 9 times out of ten you are probably correct, that what this person means is that they aren’t interested in you. I do however don’t think that it is necessarily 100% true, there are situations where someone may actually just not be interested in dating at the time, and that is where the confusion comes in, what if this is the 1 out of 10? And your suggestion two paragraphs below that actually speaks to exactly that, and basically states exactly what I said in my post. You wrote “Be clear. “You’re awesome, but your awesome and my awesome don’t really work together. I wish you the best of luck in searching for someone with the right kind of awesome for you. Maybe we can catch a movie sometime as friends.” This is all I was really suggesting. If you aren’t interested, just tell the person.
You wrote “Point Three, and perhaps I should have led with this, DON’T PLAY HEAD GAMES. You don’t want the girl to beat around the bush in regards to if they like you or not? How about some quid pro quo? If you are not interested in her, tell her.” To which I need to let you know that I have had several occasions where I have done EXACTLY this. I knew that I was not interested but the other person was, and so before anything happened I told them straight out that I am not interested in being anything other than friends, and in my opinion me doing that and not taking advantage of the situation which I so easily could have is exactly why I feel that I am alright in calling my self a “Nice Guy”.
:) Let me know when you want to have coffee! We still have that gift card from last time!
Jesse